Between Two Worlds : A Journey of Love and Sacrifice

Echoes of Trichy: A Heartbreaking Love Unfulfilled

Taking you back over time to 1960's - A story of a Brahmin gal from an Orthodox Family somewhere around Trichy/Kumbhakonam. 

   Dearest Appa,

      27th Jan'1965

      Hope this letter finds you, Amma, Raji and Seenu in good health.  The

      weather here in New York City is icy cold.  But Avar sollraar- I have

      missed this winter's biting cold. I still wish I had seen the snow…

      But then, I still wish I had not left Trichy at all. I do miss

      Trichy, Appa. You, Amma, Raji, Seenu, pakkatthaathu Rama, Vikatan,

      Ucchi Pillaiyaar Koil, filter coffee, Holy Cross College, the Physics

      Department and of course Sakthi. I know you wish I hadn't brought his

      name in this letter.But not to worry Appa, I understand that you got

      me married to Visu because you thought it was best for your daughter.

      I still remember Amma wiping her silent tears with her madisaar

      thalappu and you shouting at me the day I told you about Sakthi.

      Later, when the initial shock wore off you patiently listed umpteen

      reasons why I should not marry Sakthi. I agree Appa, that 20 is too

      young to decide, that Raji and Seenu would have been affected greatly

      by my 'mistake', the Agrahaaram would have scoffed at you… a meat

      eater was not a good match for someone who had never even tasted

      onion and garlic. The reasons were innumerous. I knew you'd still

      have objected and offered other reasons even if he had become a

      Dhigambara monk. Visu on the other hand, wore a poonal, he is the son

      of Neelakanta Sastri, an Engineer and he researched about computers

      which is what made you jump for this alliance. Am not complaining

      Appa, Visu is a nice man.

      Tell Amma that I could not try her kozhakkattai recipe this Pongal

      because coconuts were too expensive and Avar nenacchar that it was

      ridiculous. Anyway, we went out on Sankaranthi day and dined out. He

      thought it would be a good idea to invite the Chatterjees also. But I

      didn't speak Bengali and Mrs.Chatterjee spoke English in an accent

      that comes with living years in America. Hence I made myself busy

      with the menu card. They ordered various species of fish,shrimp and a

      lot more of items I had never seen in my life. I ordered orange juice

      and a sandwich. The other diners thought it was queer coming to a

      seafood restaurant and settling for a sandwich. That day, I learnt

      that Avar prefer pannradhu beef, pork, bacon and seafood. Do you

      know, Appa… Sakthi gave up meat because of me? I didn't ask, he just

      did. But then, Sakthi is not Neelakanta Sastri's son and that made it

      imposible for Subramania Iyer's daughter Kalyani to marry him.

      I will keep you posted on what happens here. I don't think I can make

      it to Seenu's Upanayanam. Tell Amma not to get me a pattu podavai for

      the poonal, I don't use them here. I wore it once and felt like a

      clown here.

                                                      Your loving daughter,

                                                                   Kalyani.

 

   Dearest Appa,

      20th Oct'1968

      We are fine here. Gautam is speaking his first words and I swear they

      sounded like 'Dosai'. But Visu claims it's just gibberish. From your

      previous letter, I gather that pakkathatthu Rama is married and

      settled in Jamshedpur. Nice to know that. Please find out her address

      from Saarada maami and write it to me. I want to keep in touch with

      her. I hope Raji is happy with her husband in Madras. I spoke to her

      last month, great to know that she has a phone. Do tell Seenu to

      study well and prepare for his school final exams. Raji also told me

      that Sakthi is married now. I wish him good luck, but I could not

      convey the message to him. Raji refused to be the messenger and I

      know you have severed ties with Sakthi's father, your long term

      friend Sankaravel, thanks to me. I hear his wife is his cousin… He

      must have succumbed to his mother's wishes.

      How did Avani Avittam go? Visu's mother gave me a bunch of new

      poonals for Avani Avittam but Visu was in Boston that day. He

      wouldn't have used it anyway, I haven't seen him wear one in the last

      three years. Gautam is now playing with the spool of thread- mere

      thread it is, what else can I call it? Gautam will not even know what

      it signifies, I guess. Visu is making sure Gautam grows up listening

      to English only. He says it will make his life easier. But I do read

      out passages from Ponniyin Selvan and Bharathiyaar's poetry when I am

      alone with him. It's more of reading to myself, I guess. I actually

      got that poetry book as a present from Sakthi, it still has his

      scrawling signature in the first page.

      By the way, Visu saw that book and asked me about Sakthi, I told him.

      Hold your breath Appa, he didn't throw me out of the house. He is a

      good man, no question. He said it is okay and that he doesn't mind.

      And then he told me of his American girlfriend whom he was once in

      love with, when he first reached America- Amy, a fellow Researcher

      who was in a brief relationship with Visu when she was in New York.

      They lived together for 3 months and decided against marriage,

      somehow. Amy once dropped home when she was in New York. Nice lady,

      she was.

      Ask Amma to send me Sambar Podi for this whole year. My friend Sudha

      is coming to Madras next week. Ask Seenu to catch the Rockfort

      Express and give it to her. I will collect it from her here.

                                                      Your loving daughter,

                                                                   Kalyani.

 

 

   Dearest Appa,

      3rd June'1974

      We have arrived here safely. After two months in India, I find it

      hard to adjust back to normal life here. Gautam and Ranjana demand

      vadai,paayasam and vaazhai ilai here. Visu's relieved to be back in

      America. I left a set of my books there. If it's not in Trichy it

      must be in Visu's parents' place. If you find them, safeguard them

      until my next trip. They mean a lot to me since they were gifts from

      Sakthi. By the way, Appa, I found out Sakthi's present address in

      Madras from Rama and Saarada maami. I wrote to him. I am extremely

      proud to know that Dr.Sakthivel is a cardiologist much in demand

      there in Madras. He was thrilled to hear from me after so long. You

      know what he has named his daughters? Kalyani and Raagamaalika.

      He called me. You know what, he's still a practising vegetarian,

      Appa. He didn't revert back just because he lost me… He asked me if I

      still sang and whether Gautam and Ranjana could sing. I could see a

      proud father in him, when he claimed his daughters could sing upto Ra

      ra Venu Gopala. That's when I remembered that I was once a good

      singer. I wonder why I stopped singing, wonder why I never exposed

      the kids to Music and Dance. But then, I realize that I had buried

      all that deep inside me when I left Trichy; after bidding farewell to

      my best Rasika, actually. Sakthi. After the call, I tried singing

      'Kurai Onrum Illai'. I could not rquite reach Charanam, because of

      the lack of practice and more importantly because of the tears that

      filmed my eyes and the constriction in my throat.  I sang to Visu and

      the kids one of these days. Though Gautam was impressed, father and

      daughter could not just wait for me to finish!

      By the way, next time some friend comes to India, send me a Sruthi

      Box. I would like to start singing again.

                                                      Your loving daughter,

                                                                   Kalyani.

      Dearest Appa,

      14th Aug 1978

      Just back after our tour to California. Find our photos, picture

      postcards attached herewith. After you are done with showing all

      family members,relatives, friends and neighbours, pass them to Visu's

      parents. It was a welcome break for the four of us. But I missed my

      paattu class students all along and was happy to resume the classes

      again last evening. Did I mention in my previous letter, before we

      left on the tour - I finally got my driving license here. I sent a

      few photos to Sakthi too. He has sent me quite a few records and

      cassettes. I loved it! I'm reminded of AIR, almost! I'm circulating

      them among my friends too. And of course, playing them for my

      students too. They are picking up beautifully. Funny news is, I, a

      Tamilian, is teaching Telugu and Sanskrit kritis to a cross section

      of Tamil, Malayalam, Kannada,Telugu, Marathi, Bengali students in an

      English speaking nation.

      The music sessions have resulted in a reborn Kalyani, Appa. Thanks to

      Sakthi, really. I would have never taken it up had it not been for

      his reminder.  I am now thinking of what life would have been like if

      I had indeed married him. I would have of course lost you and Amma.

      But right now, with this life in America, Visu and these monthly

      letters to you, Rama, Raji and Seenu what have i gained?  I don't

      find an answer, Appa. Neither do I think I ever will. Again, as I

      have always reiterated, Visu is a good man, no complaints there. He

      is every bit the son in law you wanted. Researcher, American Post

      Graduate Degree holder, a dutiful husband and father,earning a

      comfortable income. I know it is too much to ask for anything else.

      That is a fantasy I left midway in my life… Once upon a time in

      Trichy with someone else.

                                                      Your loving daughter,

                                                                   Kalyani.

 

      Dearest Appa,

      14th Apr'1984

      Met Dr.Sakthivel after 19 years… He had come to

      New York for business purposes and paid me a visit. Visu and the kids

      welcomed him home with great pleasure. And they liked him too. In

      fact, they did most of the talking initially. And of course, he got

      me a whole load of books, cassettes, Mysore Paak and lots more.

                                                      Your loving daughter,

                                                                   Kalyani.

 

      Dearest Appa,

      20th Jan' 1990

      I just went through all these letters lying in my closet draw for

      years together. These are letters I started writing to you and then

      decided not to post. For obvious reasons. I could not mention Sakthi

      to you even though I was itching to. Not because I was afraid to

      invite your wrath. I just did not have the heart to hurt you, I know

      these letters would have hurt you. Because deep inside, I know you

      were disturbed- you knew Sakthi was a good man, you knew he was a man

      of substance, yet you didn't want to go further. Society, I know.

      Family… I know…  And all these letters would have only wounded you

      more. Today, 2 years after your death, and 6 months after Dr.

      Sakthivel's untimely death in a road accident, I somehow felt like

      re-reading all these letters. To me, all these unstamped, unposted

      letters mean a life that could have been.

      Kalyani Viswanathan.

The Day the Banyan Tree Fell: A Family's Journey Through COVID

CHELAKARA RAMAKRISHNAN  VISWANATHAN (KASHI - EX KAMANI MUMBAI)

It was a Thursday evening, When we friends Ramanathan Gurunathar, Sabarish Kannamani and my family (Krishnan aka Chelakara Ramakrishnan) had been out on a weekend in Dubai on Thursday evening to Jumeirah stopping by at the famous IJAZA Cafe and grabbing a drink to drive near the beach area with the Kids playing and we adults chatting several things in life. I personally didnt know what was happenning as i was feeling very tired on that day and a sort of fully drained by. I somehow didn't want to disturb the outing (As it was after a long time (due to Covid) we had stepped out) and hence was carrying along with the friends and families who were all there. By around 11 pm, i had started getting down as we decided to wind up the day and left for our Home. The moment i reached home, i crashed in to bed on that day. Not sure whether i had put the phone on charge or had made it silent, but immediately crashed down to bed on that Day.

Never knew that that weekend of Thursday (those days in Dubai, Thursday was the last day of the week), 10th December 2020 would turn up to be a significant day in my life.

After about an hour of deep sleep, i was woken by my wife, Kavitha when the call from my Parents was received that late night informing that my Fathers health was done and he had slipped down and fell down after going to washroom at night around 1 30/2 00 am late night on that day. Fortunately Kavitha was awake and Kishore (My brother in law) also came running in when the call was received in the home landline as well, when they tried to reach us in different numbers.

I somehow managed to get up and in few minutes regained all strength from the very tiredness and sleep. That was the time of COVID with several travel restrictions. We understood that travelling to INDIA was not just like getting tickets and hopping on to a flight and you needed a COVID certificate which would be valid for 48 hours or so. We immediately called Harish my brother and understood the nearest 24X7, medical centre as one close in Healthcare city and rushed there late at night for the COVID test for myself, Kavitha and Naveneeth. That was the second time that i was taking the test and propably the first time Kavitha and Nanu taking the test. We took the test and spoke to my cousin Prasad in Vileparle and was talking about the future course of action. I was also in touch with Petchimuthu, who immediately rushed home along with Mahesh early in the morning.

Appa was smart enough and called the ambulance and the Ambulance team had arrived immediately at home to take the father. He was immediately taken to Fortis Hospital in vashi, where there were no beds available and the only bed available was in the covid ward, where they were and we were not recommending the same as we all felt that it was some sort of other disease. His oxygen level was down and when he was at normal, He was then rushed to the DY Patil Hospital in Nerul late at night to early in morning. Once in the hospital, a Covid test was taken and he was positive and immediately Amma had also undergone the Covid test to note that she was also positive.

My sister Chitra immediately managed to reach Mumbai from banglore. My results had come by next day Afternoon around 1 pm to 3 pm for all 3 of us at various times for covid negative and we immediately booked for our tickets for the night flight to Mumbai from Sharjah. HArish had dropped us in the airport and we reached early morning on that day. Appa COVID results came later in the day and then Amma had undergone the COVID tests to have the results as positive only on next day, the day we reached Mumbai and reached home.

Appa was admitted to DY Patil and I took Amma and admitted here in the quarantine centre in the EXPO centre near to VAshi railway station. There were works going on at our Vashi house and the house was full of dust and looked like a construction site. We had a tough time cleaning the house and somehow managed to clean the same quickly upon reaching home. The cleaning looked like a nightmare with all debris, paint box and several other things scatterred around the house.

I was taking the food to the Hospital and due to covid restrictions, we could just deposit the food at the Security gate in the hospital and were not allowed inside the hospital. Everyday i would go 3 times to the hospital taking the food for Appa. Appa wanted simple food like Idli Dosa and then some fruits. He wanted hot coffee and i would take the same in some sort of box which would not be that boiling hot while reaching the hospital. The hospital was like 30 minutes drive in Auto and the weather was very cold in December in those days. Appa would ask to bring some Hot coffee and i had ordered disposable Flasks from a vendor in Gujarat which would help taking the coffee/tea hot to Appa. Appa would come and talk to us on all days in Video Call or in Phone call and we would talk about everything.

After reaching in Mumbai, Since it was the first day of Amma Covid Positive results, i had dropped her in the Quarantine centre. The centre was well established and i ahd taken her with some clothes and basic things like bucket and Mug etc and dropped her in an Auto.

Everyday we would order food from Hotel or would get something to eat from Petchimuthu Mama house. I do not recollect whether we started cooking there or were having continiously from outside. To my best of knowledge, i belive it was all from outside. Everyday we would order and myself and Kavitha and Chitra anmd Raghu along with Nanu would have the breakfast, lunch and dinner together.

Everyday we use to get lot of calls from all well wishers and we were spedning days like normal. Once in a day, a call from the Hospital would come giving the progress on Appa Health. He was not getting an improvement on his Oxygen levels, I had received calls from DART Raman from Dubai, who connected me with some senior people who were well connected in the Hospital and they said that the hospital staffs are taking good care off. There were also many calls from relatives who would question on the treatment and the progress and whether the same is going in thr right direction. I had many times questioned myself on whether i was doing the right thing and taking the right direction, however never got a conclusive answer for the same. Everyday Appa would talk over Phone or Video Call and we were spending days with a hope that all would be fine.

After 4 or 5 days, i got the news of the demise of the Vadhyar Lakshmanan in Andheri who was the son of Mani Vadhyar. Sriram Nagar. I understood that he was at his peak fo COVID and had collapsed when he reached Hospital. We could then connect that Appa was in touch with him in Vileparle when he went to Mani Periappa Shraddham and he was closely seated with Lakshman Vadhyar and we could trace the source of him getting COVID positive. Subsequently Prasad Anna, Sudha Manni, Leela Periammai and Soorya all took Covid test and i believe Prasad Anna and Sudha Manni was tested positive for COVID.

Appa had also been to Dorai Periappa death 10th day and 13th day which came just couple of days after Mani Periappa Shraddham and he had travelled in an Auto early in the morning from Vashi to Virar along with Petchimuthu. I believe the Cold weather of that with his travel in early morning in Auto along with the works that has been going around at home where it was a very dusty environment had taken his illness to its very peak. He had even consulted Dr. Kusum Shenoy when he fainted late at night just couple of days back on 8th December 2020. He even asked the Dr, whether he could have got Covid and whether he should test COVID, for which the Dr said that since there was no symptons, no need to do the COVID test.

I could talk to father on one of the 6th to 8th day informing him from where he got the covid (through Lakshmana Vadhyar) and was talking to him. during the 8th - 9th day or so, the Dr had informed that his oxygen levels have not been improving and if this persists, they will have to give him some sort of a bigger Oxygen mask. They had even changed that and still he was not improving on his oxygen levels. The 10th day had come by which Amma was suppose to be discharged from the Quarantine centre and it was a festive mood at home, when i went and brought her back home on that morning. We were all very happy with Nanu Chitra and Kavitha in joy with Amma return. while there was joy and we had planned for a bigger celebrations when Appa comes back home. It was all shattered by a call from the Hospital at around 10 30 am, just few minutes after Amma reaching home that Appa oxygen levels are not improving and he needs to be moved to a Ventilator.

There was absolute silence at home as none of us were experienced to manage this and at the same time also helpless to do anything as transporting a patient while admitted with COVID was next to impossible at those times. Since he was admitted with being covid positive, he was moved in the same hospital under the government quota of treatment. Several times, i questioned to myself as if i was doing the right thing and should i move him to a private bed in the same hospital or other hospital. Again rushing back to all our connects and influential people, they informed that the treatment would not have any change, except from moving from Govt to Private in the same bed, the only benefit would be some sort of frequent updates on his health. Many suggested that we should not do anything at this point of time and should trust the government and the team of Doctors as they are trying their best to do for all without any differentiation.

Our family friend Suresh Panicker was also consulted to see whether we should take him to some other hospital and have a diferrent course of treatment, which we were told not to change at this time and let it continue as it is. The calls started to stop since his movement to ventilator and there was a sort of very tense environment at home with no happiness and no clue on whats next. It was like sitting in a War Zone and battlefield waiting for when the bomb will blast. The breakfast, lunch and dinner gathering was more of a ritual to have food to survive. What was once a celebrated and most wanted get together while eating, became a sort of silent ritual of having food. Quite often the ladies members in the family would ask to call and take updates from Drs and the hospital when sometimes, it has happened that some days went without no update. We would frantically call all the possible numbers available with us and would occasionally visit the Hospital to just be seated outside the Hospital. There was no use in visiting the Hospital for any updates as all things was under strict quarantine.

All Possible prayers were done at all places in Nelluvai, Tripankode, Chittilamcherry for speedy recovery of Appa Health. The days were too tough to pass by and every minute was like a hours being spent. We would just lie down at home with no one talking to each other. Everyone being helpless. For the first time, i realized in the most hard way that your influence, Money, Connections, Network and Networth are all Worthless. The first 10 days and the next 10 days had passed by with Drs calling us almost daily saying that he was not improving under ventilator. On one day, a Call from Suresh Panicker, he also told me to be stronger and be ready to face any tough situation that may come.

I had also taken the treatment summary from the Hospital to show this to my Dr friend in Dubai, Dr. Krish Sairam, who confirmed that they are giving the right treatment and it is very difficult to bring him back and lets pray God for his recovery.

We started writing Rama Nama for last 2 to 4 days in my office book. On the 21st Day, i,e. 31st December 2020, i got a call from the Hospital around 5 45 pm that he had a mild attack and they had managed to revive him. The environment was very tensed since then at home with all being very emotional. Night 10:42 pm, the call came from the Hospital where they mentioned that he had suffered another attack and they couldn't revive him.

THE SUN HAD SET AND THE BANYAN TREE HAD FALLEN DOWN ON 31 DEC 2020.

I could never forget this 21 Days of my life. The first 10 Days followed by the next 11 Days, which shattered the entire family. Its 4 Years and 4 months now and it still feels like this happened just last week.

- Authored by C V Ramakrishnan (Krishnan)